Funny UNIX Commands

Here is a list I compiled of UNIX commands that return witty error messages. Some of the commands don't return the same error messages, depending upon which OS you're running (ie SunOS, HP/UX, Ultrix, etc.). Have fun! If you know of any other funny UNIXisms that aren't here, please send them to jimbo@statsci.com Thanks.

• % make fire
  Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
• % why not?
  No match.
• % gotta light?
  No match.
• % !1984
  1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
• % How's my lovemaking?
  Unmatched '.
• % "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
  Unmatched ".
• % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
  Missing ].
• % [Where is my brain?
  Missing ].
• % ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
  Modifier failed.
• % ^How did the sex change operation go?
  Bad substitute.
• % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
  Too many ('s.
• % man: why did you get a divorce?
  man:: Too many arguments.
• % %blow
  %blow: No such job.
• % \(-
  (-: Command not found.
• % sh
  $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
  no sense in pretending!
• $ mkdir matter; cat >matter
  matter: cannot create
• % cd /tmp
  % touch this; chmod 000 this
  % ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
  % U this
  U: cannot touch this: no write permission
• % rm meese-ethics
  rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
• % cd ~god
  Unknown user: god.
• % ar m God
  ar: God does not exist
• % make love
  Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
• % sleep with me
  bad character
• % ^What is saccharine?
  Bad substitute.
• % drink bottle: cannot open
  opener: not found
• % alias alias alias
  alias: Too dangerous to alias that.
• % cat catfood
  cat: cannot open catfood
• % cat "food in cans"
  cat: can't open food in cans
• % nice man woman
  No manual entry for woman.
• % man p***y
  No manual entry for p***y.
• % rm God
  rm: God nonexistent
• % ar r God
  ar: creating God
• % Unmatched ".
  Unmatched ".
• % write desert
  desert is not logged on.
• % man you
  No manual entry for you.
• % !bluemoon
  bluemoon: Event not found.
• % scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
  "Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found
• % cat 'the can of tuna'
  cat: cannot open the can of tuna
• % rm Quayle-brains
  rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent
• % cat "door: paws too slippery"
  cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
• % look into "my eyes"
  look: cannot open my eyes
• % lost
  lost: not found
• % make war
  Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
• % mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
  yellow_pages: Is a directory
• %touch me
  %chmod 000 me
  %touch me
  touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
• % ar x "my love life"
  ar: my love life does not exist
• % ar x "matey, the treasure"
  ar: matey, the tresure does not exist
• % talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
  talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.
• % talk Comrade Khruchev
  [Your party is not logged on]
• make "bottle open"
  make "heads or tails of all this"
  make love
  make mistake
  make sense
  man woman
  man -kisses dog
• % echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc
  GET A LIFE!
• % ping elvis.rice.edu | awk '{print substr($1,1,5), $2, $3}'
  elvis is alive
• % finger body-of-christ@bread-jar.mass
  Unknown host
• % finger huge-keg-party@big-house
  Unknown host
• % make ' ' bang ' ' with gun
  make: Fatal error: Don't know how to make target ` '
  
  
   
   
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  Last modified: Sat Apr 1 00:15:49 CEST 2000